Diabetes, work and exhaustion

I was right! My OGTT result was right below the cut off for gestational diabetes so I had to monitor my sugars 7 times a day for a week and the result of that is I'm now using insulin with my 3 main meals. I've been using it since Thursday and have already had to increase the dosage 3 times. I started out using it only with breakfast and dinner, increased the dose, added it in at lunch time as well, then increased the dose twice more. Finding it quite tricky to be perfectly honest. I seem to have a couple of days where the dosage I'm using works out fine then they jump up again. Pain. I'm sure I'll get them working out eventually though, just really want good control for baby's sake.

Only 2.5 weeks left of work and I couldn't be happier. I am completely exhausted and not sure if it's just pregnancy related or if I have an infection. I'm coughing during the night and waking up James and no doubt the neighbours, woke up at 6 this morning hardly able to get a breath in and some chest pain so had to get up to neb ventolin so I could attempt to get back to sleep. It took a while to kick in but thankfully did eventually and I got a bit more rest. Also completely sick of being sick after my breakfast in the morning. Only takes the slightest cough and that's me. Clearly everything is getting so squashed up now, although I've been throwing up after my breakfast for weeks now.

Think I'm gonna see how the next couple nights go and if I still keep waking up tight and coughing so much then I'm gonna need to be seen. Yuck.

It's not all doom and gloom though, I just don't really have much that's all that exciting going on. I have another scan next Friday and an appointment with OB so will hopefully find out if the diabetes and insulin use now means I'll be induced early or not. My friend's baby shower is this Saturday which is exciting! She's 35 weeks just now :)

Let's get the CF stuff out the way first! Good news is I haven't had a bleed for 2 weeks and 1 day. Woop!! I have, however, come to the conclusion that I hate using seretide. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be more or less cough free, but when I need to cough I can't and I can't feel anything at all in my chest. As well as the lungs, I'm having trouble with it because of my mouth. My tongue and throat are completely coated and scratchy and behind both my top and bottom lips are all red and white and blotchy. My lips keep splitting and bleeding as a result too and it's making me most unhappy! I haven't taken it since Saturday and although I'm wheezy and tight (which ventolin helps with) I can actually feel where the crap is and get it out...and it's really rather rotten still. To top it all off my sinuses are killing me.

On to real life. My exam kids did really well! One girl (age 12) got 138 out of 150 (distinction) and that included full marks for 1 of her pieces and full marks for aural. Brilliant! The only boy (age 8) got 125 out of 150 (merit) and unfortunately could have got a distinction if he had passed his sight-reading, which he failed by 1 mark. Completely gutted and I know he was a little upset about that but overall very pleased with his grade. They were both sitting grade 1 and did really well. The other girl sat prep test and received a great report.

I'm trying to figure out my work life. I'm totally stuck on what to do, as the piano teaching hasn't taken off as well as I'd hoped on Arran and the people I have keep taking lots of holidays, so I'm skint! I really don't want to stop teaching but I need some financial security, especially after the 3 weeks off over Easter (not my choice, just that everyone else took holidays :/ ) and the resulting bank charges etc. I called a couple of places today for application packs so that I can at least sit down and think about what to do.

My cousin, David, who went missing in January has been found. Or at least they think he's been found. My family are currently waiting for DNA results on a body found near where David was last seen, and wearing the same clothes. It's been a really difficult time for everyone so hopefully this will give them answers and they can put him to rest. I can't imagine what they must be going through, and they have been fighting to find him all this time.

Not sure there's much else to say...I'm sure there is but I can't think.


Oh, turns out that gin is actually quite nice! Just a by-the-by haha

bye bye IVs!

IVs finished on Tuesday, yay, and got my line out today! My lung function was back up to what it was over Christmas which is good news, and almost up to my best reading in a year. Nobody could shed any more light on the bleeding, as nothing has really changed apart from the return of staphylococcus. After not growing it for around a year and stopping flucloxacillin in August (I thought I stopped it in October, but nevermind!) I have had 2 samples with a heavy growth (December and pre-IV). Sake. Dr was fairly insistent that I don't start back on fluclox though because of the bother I have with thrush, so we're just hoping at the moment that I'll manage without it.

I was really impressed with my numbers today because I've had some pain and a bit of a cold over the last few days but must not be on my chest this time.

I even managed to gain 0.7kg which is unheard of on IVs. I always seem to lose weight on them but I didn't have so much nausea this time so managed to eat like a complete pig and James kept buying me jelly babies and cakes, as did mum!

Next week we are hoping to have our house valued. I'm dreading it because our ability to buy it is based purely on how much they say it's worth :/

Work is going reasonably well. Feel a bit bored again and can't wait for the kids' exams to be over cause I'm sick listening to the pieces (regardless of how well they play them)! I'm anticipating a distinction and a merit for my grade 1s, although if the 2nd was to get distinction too I'd be over the moon! Only other exam this time round is a prep test, which doesn't get graded :)

BTW, stuff getting an epidural put in! I'm watching a midwifery program, apologies, and that looked painful.

I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, emotionally, and I am seriously enjoying seeing some sunshine :D

2012

2012 has, like most years, been a mixed bag. It has been amazing at times, but rubbish at others. I've been ill, people around me have been ill, even died from illness, but at the other end, I got married, more or less stabilised my work and turned my health around through hard work and refusal to let it stay bad.

There are people no longer with us who I will truly miss forever. They were lifelines when things were bad, offering support and comfort (from a distance, seen as we couldn't mix!) and just being there to listen to me moan and I hope I was able to do the same for them.

James and I had a fantastic wedding and really loved our honeymoon (take me back!) followed by a house move which wasn't so much fun and new work loads etc. We got a new rabbit after my wee sausage Coco passed away :( We also got our first dog, who is hilarious and just loves his wee life.


As for the end of 2012, it's been good. Christmas was lovely. We spent it with family and just chilled out. James and I have both been ill though. James woke up with a heavy cold on Christmas eve, followed by me on Christmas day. Mine is on my chest, with viral bronchitis, and I can't smell a thing! Boo! I have to go back to hospital 17th Jan for my normal clinic so it better have cleared up with the extra steroid inhaler doses and antibiotics to keep everything else at bay. My sinuses have been rubbish with it, really painful and bleeding while I've been asleep, leading to me coughing up a whole load of old blood when I get upright again. Yum :/

My mum has been coughing since October so my sister and I have been badgering her to go to the doctor for tests. Every excuse under the sun from her, but she better go because it's not just a wee pathetic cough, she says she can't get a breath in and ends up barking and gasping. Not cool, mum, get it sorted.

Today is new years eve. I'm supposed to be in bed still so I can last the night (cannot be bothered, but hey ho) but my stupid stomach woke me up and I caught Fionn chewing my mums new fat face scarf. Now I need to buy a replacement. Great.

I hope you all had a great Christmas and have a good start to 2013 when it comes. I doubt this post makes a whole lot of sense, but thought I'd just pop by to let anyone reading know that I'm still about and still just doing what I do.

HAPPY NEW YEAR when it comes :)

On a mission

Can't believe this blog now has 100 posts! Most of them are complete and utter pants but heyho!

As the title suggests, I'm on a mission. It's obviously coming to that time of year when the weather is mainly rubbish, it's getting darker, colder, wetter, and more difficult to remain optimistic about life and everything involved in it. After my journey into the deepest darkest corners of my mind at the start of this year, I have decided I need to take steps to make sure I don't end up there again. There was the added complication of being unwell at the time and being given drugs which make you feel even worse, but there is always the possibility that could happen again anyway. As a direct result of feeling so crap I lost friends and wasted day after day wallowing in my own sadness.

I already feel a bit better now I'm walking with Fionn every day. We generally walk for between 1 hour and 2.5 hours each day, which is a lot but is starting to feel good. I think I've now managed a whole week without needing to sleep in the afternoon. My annual review lung function was done last week and had gone up by 3% (20% since April) so my lungs are feeling pretty good. My tummy is feeling better now my creon is sorted (1 creon for every 5g of fat) and although my sinuses are infected, I'm so used to them being painful that I barely notice any more unless they're particularly bad.

I have a set up a pinterest and I'm using it at the moment to store things I can look at to keep my mind in a positive state. I generally don't go for the "inspirational quotes" type stuff, I find it all quite sickening at times to be honest, but I'm choosing some that strike a chord and remind me that I'm not actually useless, worthless or any of the other things that we can all feel at times.

Work is pretty steady. I'm up to a ridiculous 22 pupils: 4 on a Monday, 3 on a Tuesday, 7 on a Friday and 8 on a Saturday. Friday and Saturday are all on the mainland, so I still have a way to go to get busier on Arran but it'll happen (and thankfully I've filled the gaps left when 2 or 3 pupils left). I have 4 kids working towards grade 1 at the moment, although I'm anticipating only 2 of them will be ready for the March run.

Tomorrow I'm going to the choir conductors house to "audition" for solos. It's more a "come along and sing some stuff" and if I'm good enough I'll be added to the list of people who are willing to sing solos. The only solo available at the moment is no use to me because of the style, but I'll be keeping my eyes and ears open for 1 that would suit me.

Best. Clinic. Appointment. Ever.

So, the title says it all.

Lungs were stable, weight was up, tummy was a bit rumbly but nothing major. To top it off, they've taken me off flucloxacillin. I feel a bit weird about it after being on it every day for about 15 years, but I haven't grown staph for about a year now and they think it should help with my "candida problem". It better! I'm getting sick to death of the constant low grade pain and the taste and all the symptoms that come with candida in other places. Delightful.

It was also a great appointment because I took along some wedding pictures which distracted everybody enough that there was nothing to moan about haha. Clearly this is the answer to getting through clinic appointments!

Well, we've been in our new house just under a month now (next Friday we hit a month) and today I am going across to the mainland to get a DOG!! We're getting a 12 week old border collie :) It's gonna be a nightmare to start cause he hasn't had any jags so can't do big walks, but we have both had dogs (James had a border collie) and we got Fudge as a pup, so I think we're fairly confident we know what we're doing. We also have the added bonus of a sheep dog trainer who lives next door. As you can imagine, he mainly works with border collies, which is even better.

Work is picking up, slowly but surely. I have 14 pupils on the mainland and all but 1 of them have been with me since before the summer. I even have 1 who has been with me since my very first day, which is brilliant. She did amazingly well in her prep test and is preparing now for grade 1 :) As for Arran, I have 1 singing pupil and 4 piano pupils, and I know I will have at least 1 more of each in the next few weeks once they have returned from holidays. I don't really want to do singing to be honest, it's embarrassing when things start shifting in the lungs and make me cough and splutter all over the place, but there has been demand for it so I can't really turn down the opportunity for more work.

I will post a pic of puppy once I've picked him up. Excited. And James is even more excited! lol

Hope you're all keeping well, and love to Gem who's having a rough time xxx

wedding and work

James and I received some disappointing news about the wedding today. His sister won't be able to be a bridesmaid anymore as she just got word of an amazing job offer. She lives in London, works in theatre and has been offered the lead role in Saturday Night Fever, leaving for Florida in April, onto cruise ship in June and not home til December. She can't get leave for our wedding because she's on the ship :( Don't get me wrong, we are very proud of her, and think she is absolutely doing the right thing by taking the job, who knows where that could lead her, but we are gutted she won't be there.

Aside from that, it's only 20 weeks!! OMG!! so much to do.

Work was interesting today. I managed to get 2 new pupils, and both are going to be a challenge. The first is a boy, age 12, who learned to play piano in a music school in Romania. From what I can tell his English isn't great, and he is around grade 6 standard, but his teacher in the UK has taken him back to grade 4....which makes me wonder why? I guess I'll find out next week. Kinda nervous lol, especially seen as Diane (the shop owner) was biggin me up, giving promises I'm not sure I can deliver.

The other is a girl, age 5, who has Dorsal Stream Dysfunction. This is a visual impairment caused by damage in the brain. She sees people in profile, has very poor peripheral vision, can't see anything if she looks down, and has difficulty with coordination. But she has a great love for music. She learned to speak through music. Her mum told me that she conveys how she feels about the world through her eating and sleeping - if she is upset, she won't eat or sleep, and sometimes won't speak.

I love working with young people who have additional support needs, but this is the first time I am going to be attempting structured piano lessons with someone with such complex needs. I have taken lessons with a girl who has epilepsy, but I had lots of training in epilepsy while working as a support worker so I knew the signs and was able to work around it (she had absence seizures, as opposed to other types which involve convulsions etc). This will be very different, and I hope she takes to me OK and we can build a good relationship.

I'm also still working with a young girl who has Autistic Spectrum Disorder, and we are going to attempt to learn to read music in the next few weeks. I introduced her to the book on Tuesday and we listened to the recordings of the songs, but she is very keen on doing her own thing at the keyboard so I'm not sure if we will be able to translate it into playing, but it's worth a go! We have been working together for a about 8/9 months now and have built a good relationship. Her sessions really seem to calm her down when she is anxious/hyper.  

Doing work like this makes me wonder whether I will ever go back to uni to do MSc Music Therapy...it's something I've thought a lot about over the years but it's expensive, ridiculously time consuming, and the only course in Scotland is in Edinburgh (and takes on about 12 people a year). I do think, however, that it would be an extremely rewarding job and I'm sure I would love it.

Anyway, I think I've rambled enough. Hope everyone is doing well x

I'm still here...

There's just nothing to say.

I'm still feeling bummed that I'm on my own so much, and now that I've put some chilled out music on to try and help me off to sleep, I feel more bummed than I have in a while. James and I had 2 weeks together while his school was on holiday, which was great, but after a couple of nights on my own I woke up at 2am freaking out, trying to figure out where he was. It was one of those movie moments, where you wake up and sit bolt upright, and I was feeling about in the dark to see if he was next to me, where he was supposed to be (in my sleepy state of mind). Not fun :(

Other than that, I've just been teaching and going to panto rehearsals really. The panto performances start 3 weeks tomorrow, and there's still lots to do, as per!

I've not been to the hospital since my IVs, so I don't really know what's going on, but I'm not feeling horrible or coughing as much so that's gotta be a good sign. Only thing is my damn tummy, which at this particular moment in time is sore and bloated, but this seems to be a nightly thing. I'm reluctant to do too much about it because I hate the stuff they give me, so I only hope it's just a minor issue and nothing major.

I'm trying this week to see how I get on without taking arcoxia...it's been mixed really. I'm not doing it for any reason other than I don't like being on it all the time, and want to check I actually needit. I'm not in constant pain but when the pain comes on boy does it hurt. I have ENT and rheumatology clinics in the next 3/4 weeks so hopefully I'll either be discharged or get something new to try.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well, especially now we're in November and the cold weather is bound to come soon!

clinic

Clinic was interesting, as always. "It's really a bit of a mystery then why you're feeling this way, isn't it?" - well, yes, if you say so!

My FEV1 was up to 3.25, FVC up to 3.65 and my O2 sats were 98, down on the 100 I got at my last visit, but that's just trivial. It took me coughing and hacking like a minger all the way to the hospital to get my chest clear enough for that right enough. Either way, yay! Makes my LF for today 89% which is normal range for me but up on recent LFs.

Still, I have been put on azithromycin daily for 2 weeks, movicol daily for a week, cefuroxime for 2 weeks and diclafenac and omeprazole indefinitely. ECG was normal so they've referred me for a 48hour tape, chest x-ray was "lovely". Not quite sure where we ended up in terms of a referral to rheumatology but nevermind. I've to have assessment done for DNase and/or hypertonic saline so that'll be another treck. Found out as well that they suspected a chest infection at my last annual review...why did nobody tell me this? Fair enough, my chest cleared, but I would still like to have been told!


So, away from hospital appointments. James spoke to me this morning about what he'd read in the "cystic fibrosis and relationships" book that Lisa gave me. He apologised if I felt he was blaming me for our lack of intimacy lately and said that he really does try to understand but that he obviously doesn't. I know he doesn't, and I know he doesn't mean to make me feel bad, but fact is, he does make me feel bad. Makes me feel like I'm useless as a girlfriend and that after 5 and a half years he might actually get fed up and just walk out on me. Seriously though, who wants to get intimate with someone when you have a swollen, painful tummy and pain all over? It's just not on...as far as I'm concerned anyway, it's certainly not what I want when I'm in pain! A hug and a kiss, yes, but that's it thanks.

My boss was quite clearly pissed at me today when I phoned in to say I couldn't make it in on time...first time she's let it show that she hates me phoning in sick so much and causing staffing problems. What am I supposed to do when the hospital has a power cut and causes everything to over run? Just leave? No thanks, my health is more important to me than work. It took years and years of hard hard work to get my lungs in as good knick as they are and I wanna keep them like that.

Till another time, oh journal of mine.