Tuesday, 15 November 2011

it could be a lot worse...

I was having a right good self-pity day, just feeling bummed about a lot of things and feeling quite crappy and tired after my klean-prep day in hospital yesterday, when I got to panto rehearsal early, as requested by our director.

He wanted a meeting and it all looked very serious. Which it was....very serious.

Turns out that 1 of the cast members has been charged with attempted murder of his girlfriend (another cast member). I obviously can't (and won't) go into details about what happened, but she is obviously terrified. He has been pulled from the panto and has been replaced.

Just goes to show, no matter how bad it seems, in some way or other, somebody has it worse.

I don't really have anything else to say. Hope everyone is well.

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Don't blog for ages...

Then all of a sudden 3 come along.

Ah well, the nature of blogging I suppose! Sometimes we have something to say, and other times there just isn't anything.

Today I could well moan a bit, so apologies in advance to anyone who might read this.

Yesterday, after my teaching, I got the ferry over to Arran, as I have gotten used to doing, except it was a beautifully smooth sailing and I even had a little snooze :) When I got there, we headed back to the flat to wait for the bonfire and fireworks display to start, which was great. They were selling soup and bread, hot dogs, cakes, all kinds of tasty treats and it was just so nice to get something warm cause it was pretty cold. Following this, we were going to a "Vegas" party in the pub next to the flat for a 30th birthday. It was going really well, until Ken started acting a total dafty and was so hilarious that I totally laughed my butt off, then coughed til I was blue in the face and threw up right there on my hand/arm and the table. If only it was possible for the ground to open up.

This totally put a damper on my mood after that, the whole night I felt so embarrassed, as the girl sitting next to me got up and walked away, probably thinking I was a right drunken state even though I'd only had 2 glasses of wine at that point. All I wanted was a little bit of comfort, but Marianne (James' flat mate) wouldn't even look at me as I desperately tried to clean myself off without making even more mess, and James just kinda looked at me as if to say "well, what do you expect me to do?".

I can totally deal with things like that happening at home, where nobody can see me and it's just another thing that happens from time to time, but for it to be so public was just bloody embarrassing (and I've had horrible heartburn ever since too!)

Anyway, I got really pissed off at about 2am cause by that point I was desperate for bed, but nobody would let me leave as it was a "lock in". Not for me it wasn't, I was quite rude about it actually but I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. I managed to get up to the flat where James left me on my own and went back to the pub (fine by me, cause I was just going to sleep anyway) and apparently they never got in til after 4am.

So I came home today, had a right good cry on the drive from Ardrossan ferry terminal to my house then had to go and suffer another pantomime rehearsal. It's going really well but I'm fed up of the songs now!

I know there will be lots of people out there who know how it feels to be embarrassed by your own body. I just needed a bit of a rant.

Hope everyone is well x

Friday, 4 November 2011

Why does it have to be so difficult to claim benefits?

The last month or so have been a nightmare. To start with I decided I didn't want to be signed off work completely (because what am I supposed to do of  a day when there's nobody around) so that meant I wouldn't qualify for ESA, and I don't want it anyway, but that means claiming job seekers allowance and going in to the job centre every 2 weeks to "sign on". Joy. Anyway, finally that has been sorted and I'm starting to get a little money through from that (I don't qualify for the full amount because I do some work, but only about 8-10 hours a week). The worst part of it all is that I have been told I need to reapply for another benefit which will hopefully pull in a bit more money. I've been led on the last month that it was all being organised, when actually the council don't have any application on record. I have bills coming out my ears, including tax and national insurance bills of around £600 and hardly a penny to my name.

I'm completely stressed out about this and even cried this morning after coming off the phone from the council.   I've always tried my best to keep on top of bills and, even though I do owe money on store/credit cards, I've always tried to at least pay the minimum each month. Problem is that I have to prioritize my rent and council tax, which leaves other things behind. I feel guilty when I have to buy food or petrol cause I know there are bills to pay. Nobody seems to want to help.

Euch, anyway, just need somewhere to moan seen as everyone is at work.

I feel so alone in trying to deal with all this. James has fun with his friends in Arran and I've not seen any of my friends for weeks and weeks. It's not his fault, my few friends around this area all work and my best friend is in Georgia, after spending a year in South Korea.

It makes me feel like I'm not moving forward at all. I have a few more piano students but it's like, an hour here an hour there, and just getting frustrated with everything.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

I'm still here...

There's just nothing to say.

I'm still feeling bummed that I'm on my own so much, and now that I've put some chilled out music on to try and help me off to sleep, I feel more bummed than I have in a while. James and I had 2 weeks together while his school was on holiday, which was great, but after a couple of nights on my own I woke up at 2am freaking out, trying to figure out where he was. It was one of those movie moments, where you wake up and sit bolt upright, and I was feeling about in the dark to see if he was next to me, where he was supposed to be (in my sleepy state of mind). Not fun :(

Other than that, I've just been teaching and going to panto rehearsals really. The panto performances start 3 weeks tomorrow, and there's still lots to do, as per!

I've not been to the hospital since my IVs, so I don't really know what's going on, but I'm not feeling horrible or coughing as much so that's gotta be a good sign. Only thing is my damn tummy, which at this particular moment in time is sore and bloated, but this seems to be a nightly thing. I'm reluctant to do too much about it because I hate the stuff they give me, so I only hope it's just a minor issue and nothing major.

I'm trying this week to see how I get on without taking's been mixed really. I'm not doing it for any reason other than I don't like being on it all the time, and want to check I actually needit. I'm not in constant pain but when the pain comes on boy does it hurt. I have ENT and rheumatology clinics in the next 3/4 weeks so hopefully I'll either be discharged or get something new to try.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well, especially now we're in November and the cold weather is bound to come soon!