Wednesday, 29 February 2012

time to be honest

The last time I felt as down as I have recently I got into a pattern of behaviours that felt like I was on self destruct mode. I pushed away the people closest to me, almost losing the most significant relationship of my life, and I actually hated myself for the things I was doing. In order to make myself feel better, I would do something stupid, which I would then feel bad about and ended up hating myself even more. It was the only time I've actually felt relief at going to work because things at home were so tense. There are few times in my life that I regret more than making James' life hell for the months that I was unreachable (not physically, but mentally).

The last couple of months haven't been good for me. My head has been a mess of loneliness, low self esteem (almost so low that I'd go as far as to say I really didn't like myself), frustration, and various other feelings, as well as feeling ill which was just a massive cherry on top. I broke my heart every day in hospital, and was utterly inconsolable on my discharge day at the thought of coming home to an empty house. I hated that, I don't cry in front of people, and ended up with a nurse, physio, cleaner, bloody everybody seeing me upset. Not cool.

James living away is really taking its toll on me. I spend at least a few hours at my mum and dads every couple of days, which takes the edge off, but it really is very lonely at night, and living in the middle of nowhere just emphasises that fact. If you don't have a car, and can't walk the mile and a half along a busy road (with no pavement) from the train station, then you can't get to my house. The only people who ever come here are my mum and dad, and even that doesn't happen often. Occasionally my 2 best friends come over, but 1 is living in Holland now and the other has a very busy life and lives in Glasgow.

What I'm trying to get at, is that I can see certain patterns of thought and behaviour returning. I have lost people I was fairly close with in the last couple of days, and it's all down to feeling like everyone hated me anyway, so what did it matter what I said? Yet another thing to add to my list of regrets. What an idiot.

A few things have been said to me in my life, that hopefully weren't meant, but have stuck with me, including "well, I never even liked you anyway" when I was being ditched by my best friend for absolutely no reason. We didn't have a fight, argument, anything, she just found somebody better. I think this may have contributed to my difficulty believing that people actually like me, and that it's possible some could even really like or love me.

I have a lot of self loathing at times, and I know we all do, but I find myself stuck there for such a long time that I wonder if I'll ever come back up for air again. This time round I haven't abandoned treatments or medication though, which is good, but it's bloody tempting at times. I guess that's just a less obvious form of self harm, which is something I choose not to engage in anymore.

I think that's as honest as I feel like being just now.


  1. Oh hun :( Sending hugs. It must be so difficult for you right now with everything that's going on. How long has James got left living on Arran?

    I hate crying in front of people too but in hospital when things are physically so so difficult the emotional side of you is going to take a beating too. Perhaps your team needed to see how tough things really are for you at the moment?

    What your friend said to you was bang out of order and even though you know it isn't true (and probably her way of making herself feel better) it still really hits your self confidence hard. People do like you and like you for who you are. You're obviously a very talented musician, you have a lovely fiance, you're a brilliant teacher, you've achieved so much!

    I am always here if you need someone to talk to. CF is so isolating anyway so I'll e-mail you back my mobile number. I am ALWAYS on the end of my phone should you need to talk/rant at a voicemail/text- anything- and don't you dare feel bad about using it :P.

    Lots of love and hugs


  2. I think we all have low times and it can spiral out of control. I've sat in the bath crying my eyes out thinking i'd be better dead, i've even told my husband at times I want to be dead, I just want to be normal. It's horrible as they just don't know what to do!
    It must be so hard being away from your partner and especially since you seem quite isolated. Perhaps you could live with you parents for awhile, a noisy house always seems to make things better.
    If you are feeling so down then perhaps seeing a psychologist could help, i've considered it a few times but always managed to pull myself up on my own so far xx

  3. :( didn't realise you were feeling like this Ruth.. It must be hard not having your partner around..

    Please don't think you're the only one who feels like this at times, I think we all feel lonely, worthless, hopeless etc at times, I know I do. I randomly woke up the other morning and started crying! NO idea why, I wasn't even upset about anything I just felt really down. I think a good cry can do the world of good sometimes, just lets it all out even if you don't even think there is anything to let out.

    The comment from your old friend sounds like she had some issues of her own, I wouldn't read too much into that, I once read people say and do things for specific reasons so she obviously felt upset about something to say that to you, she wouldn't have just said it for no reason. Maybe you could message her and ask her why she said that to you?? MIght give you some peace of mind?

    I know I'm not the ideal person to talk to but if you ever do want to talk you can message me anytime x x x