thinking

Over the last wee while there have been some thoughts kicking around that I've been trying to shake. They don't make me deeply sad or anything, but I guess it's all part of me learning to accept what I have. It's only been since Christmas that I've taken my meds all the time and that I've learned to talk about CF and accept it as part of me and not all of me. Overall I feel much better in myself about it having talked to other CF people and hearing stories of how everyone else copes etc...but there's sometimes still this feeling that this isn't my body.

I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense, but sometimes it just feels like I've been put into a body that's not mine, that I'm supposed to be able to do much more and really get so much more from life than I get just now. I'm by no means saying I have a bad life, because I don't, and I'm also not saying that I hate myself or my life and the people in it, and I'm not bitter anymore, I'm accepting, but there's still sometimes this feeling that I'm not me...

Hm...

Anyway, moving on. I am becoming increasingly impatient with smokers...seriously, it never bothered me a great deal before. For a while I've thought it's a stupid thing to do, but again, the more I get involved with the CF community and see people seriously ill and dying through genetics and absolutely no fault of their own...I become more and more impatient with smokers every day. How can you be so consciously stupid? I'm just as stupid, cause I used to hang around in smokey rooms and even smoked...I admit it, there's no point in denying it, but I was young and trying to fit in...I'm just lucky it didn't affect me more. What an idiot!! I never smoked regularly, only on occassion, but that doesn't make it any better. It took a while for me to realise that my chest was hurting because I was being such a tool, but once I made the connection I stopped and I've phased out people smoking around me. James smokes out the door, and even if I can smell it I give him into bother.

I do regret it...

Seriously.

I have no sympathy for people who have a cough and have a sore or tight chest because they're smoking...I can't find it in me to muster any feelings other than thinking that if they knew what other people go through then maybe they'd rethink their stance on smoking. Having said that, the fear of lung cancer obviously doesn't stop them so maybe not!

I wish James didn't smoke. For a start, it smells.

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Only 5 days until my fitness referral appointment!! :D So excited, I really hope to get something good from it.