back to work tomorrow

As the title says, I'm back to work tomorrow. I originally had 8 days off, but ended up only having 6 because they were short staffed Saturday and Sunday, and it also means all my pay is at the unsocial premium so I'll get a better wage.

This week has been nice. On Monday I really just did some washing and ironing, and after getting up at noon I fell asleep at 7, so ended up awake til 4am. Tuesday was pretty much the same, just some sitting about and stuff, but had some wine with James at night.

Wednesday was more interesting. To start, I was really sick when I got up which never happens to me when I drink, but my bowels are really slow so thinking it might've been affected by that. Anyway, still felt sick most of the day, but went for lunch and some shopping with mum after her work which was nice. We're going again this coming Wednesday cause it's my birthday on the Thursday and they're buying me clothes :)

Yesterday James and I went to a little cafe in Stewarton which was really nice. We had really amazing baked potatoes and cakes and tea :) After that I did a little bit more retail therapy in Boots then went up to mum and dads for a cuppa.

I had the most awful sleep lastnight. Before I went to bed I found out that an old friend, who no longer wants to speak to me for a reason I cannot quite comprehend, is pregnant again. Last time she was pregnant, her son died at 15 hours old after being born at 28 weeks and it was just awful. But even though we were her support and were there for her at all hours of the day (literally, I went round at silly hours in the morning) she threw it back in our faces and we no longer speak. I'm worried about her...and worried it'll happen again, and then I don't think she'd want to survive. I really was shocked to find out and I'm finding it a bit hard to just let it go...she doesn't want to speak to me so sending a message wouldn't work and I don't have her number anyway...god. I dunno what to do, cause it's not like I don't care.

Anyway, I went to bed at midnight and lay awake til close to 2. When I finally got to sleep I had a really weird dream which woke me at 2.30, so then I was awake again. Trying to get back to sleep was hard cause I could feel my pulse through my whole body and it was as if I could feel the blood coming to my heart and then radiating out through the rest of my body...really odd feeling. Next time I woke up I had soaked through my top and felt euch. I woke up again with the most horrific stabbing pains in what felt like my womb. It wasn't the same as the stabbing pains I've had in my bladder from constipation, it felt like a different place, but my tummy was really bloated so it was probably the same cause. Took ages to get back to sleep again. All in all I must've wakened about 6 times, so I feel like I've had pretty much no sleep at all.

Anyway...that aside, today I need to go into Kilmarnock to buy rabbit food and I'm gonna have a nosy in the new New Look. I'm not made of money btw, I'm usually skint, but I got holiday pay in both my wages because it was the end of the financial year (I don't have an annual leave entitlement, I accrue holiday pay instead, depending how many hours I work) so I have some money to treat myself and pay for all the birthday nights out in May.

Here's hoping I get a better sleep tonight...we'll see.

I thought you smoked?

Just remembered that a few weeks ago, a girl from work said she thought I smoked. haha, it tickled me somewhat, cause I was talking about my CF for some reason or other and she was all confused cause obviously I was talking about how it affects the lungs etc.

Maybe a silly answer, but I just said something about how I know I sound like a smoker when I cough, but that I'm not, definitely not. Just cause nearly everybody I work with smokes, doesn't mean I do.

It just tickled me.

I hope the 48hr ECG I'm due to get in 2 weeks picks up something...last night I was playing Scene It on the XBox with friends when my heart started doing it's weird party tricks again and it was the same when I went to bed. Been getting a few flutters today. I don't really mind if they don't give me treatment or anything, cause I know there can be many reasons why the heart would beat irregularly, but as long as they see what's happening and tell me there's no problem, then I'll be alright with that.

My sinuses haven't bled as badly the last few days but they're still bleeding and my head is still splitting.

I wanna run away again...get like this every so often, just start feeling low, for no apparent reason. Makes me wanna tell everyone to leave me alone and let me get on with doing nothing...absolutely nothing. I can hardly even make myself go for a shower, I couldn't care less if I start to smell.

Anyway...I'm kinda hoping that I'll be upstairs at work myself tonight so that I can just stick a film on the laptop and be left to it. I prefer to be up there myself than downstair with another member of staff. Plus, if I'm downstair I need to do the washing and ironing and clean the bathrooms, kitchen and dining rooms haha. Upstairs there's only the office, staff base and 1 bathroom. EASY, and I'm lazy :) Only drawback is that there's 4 clients downstairs with 2 members of staff, and 5 upstairs with 1...meh

excitement (or lack of)

There's gotta be something I can do to make life more exciting.

Feel like all I do is work and moan about having no money. I hate being moany, I really honestly do. It might not seem that way based on what I write in this thing, but I am actually a cheery person.

I need a project. What it's gonna be, I dunno yet, but I need something to keep my mind active and to keep me motivated, as I have nothing of that nature just now. James is gonna buy me piano music for my birthday though, so that'll be fun. I have a list as long as my arm of music I want but I'm gonna pick a few pieces and get them for now. Some Poulenc I think, and maybe a piece I was gonna do as part of continuing education before I had to pull out due to a major lack of £1000 to pay for it!

Maybe I should go play some Chopin just now, or some Bach or Beethoven...my hands are too small for Beethoven but I try anyway.

May will hopefully be a good month. A few nights out planned already for birthdays (including my own!)

I think I'm a drama queen...I seem to thrive when there's a drama lol...I'm not so bad that I'll make a drama out of nothing, I think, but yeh...we're all drama queens at heart :)

ENT

I've gotta wait for another referral to ENT. lovely.

Feel kinda like all I've done the last while is phone the CF team for problem after problem. Used to be the case that I'd see them once every 3 months and that was it. Not this year!

I don't have much else to say, and I need to get ready for work so I'm just gonna leave it at that. A nice boring little entry.

drunken Friday

me and Laura looking a bit worse for wear!



me and Tracy



me!



Kayleigh, Hubba and me all a tad drunk

So, the Ladies Night was a success! Absolutely hilarious. It was basically a glorified Ann Summers party with male waiters being auctioned lol. We got Steven :) There were burlesque dancers and lots of games, but I was too drunk by that stage to be running about trying to find lipsticks and bras and stuff lol.

Had a few weird moments. My dress was quite tight across my chest and as I started to feel drunk I started to freak out that I couldn't breathe properly cause my chest was restricted and that made me panick...and panicking made me panick even more and I went into full blown panick mode! My chest was heaving and I was freeeeeeaking out...god knows. Anyway, Claire came and spoke to me and calmed me down then I got back to dancing, but it was so warm I ended up having to sit down.

James came down to Laura's on Saturday morning after his nightshift and made us a fry up and gave me hugs cause I was feeling rather delicate. Was nice :)

All in all a good weekend, but I'm still tired and want a good long soak in the bath :)

need a break

Well, my day at work was absolutely horrific. I was working with a client who is normally not very challenging, but when he wants to be he can be VERY difficult...and he was today. I've never heard such awful language or seen behaviour like it in my life...8 hours has never felt longer! A 12 hour shift at Moorpark feels shorter than how today felt. Oh man! I actually felt myself welling up a few times out of sheer exhaustion and frustration, but the last thing I need is to cry at my work.

I came home and had an ambrosia creamed rice, some jelly snakes and tortilla chips...and a bottle of cider. Still feel stressed, a whole 3 hours later! I'm surprised my heart has stayed as calm, normally it'd be doing all sorts by this stage, but I'll see how the night goes, cause it often happens once I start to calm down.

I feel completely exhausted. My head is bursting, my knees and wrists are sore and I have a bit of cramp which just sucks. I don't like female cramps, partly cause I know it means I haven't got my wish to be a mother yet...not that we're trying cause he'd rather wait til we're more financially stable. I can't see how that'll ever happen and I don't wanna wait too long incase my health takes a turn! I feel it'd be best to try now while I'm still able, but I can't get that through to him...ah well, best not talk too much about that.

I'm going out tomorrow night! woop! Going to a ladies charity night for the Ayrshire Hospice which involve "sexy waiters" (are you kiddin me?! I know them...not so sexy lol) and burlesque dancers, feather boas essential! Can't wait, hopefully it'll be really fun, there's loads of people from work going so it should be a laugh.

Goodnight journal

Antibiotics...

How I hate thee.

I felt great last week after my 3 courses of orals, felt full of energy and positive about working and stuff. I know I can't really complain because I'm healthier than a lot of "CF people" that I know, but I can already, after a week, feel myself starting to slow down again. Feeling more tired, in more pain, generally sluggish, more productive, blah blah blah.

I hate antibiotics for making me feel normal for a few days lol.

piano

I so miss my piano lessons :( I loved learning and obviously loved playing and I just don't have the opportunities to play as much as I want now. Completely gutted.

It doesn't help that I'm watching the "young musician of the year 2008" piano section final and they're all better than I ever was. Completely gutted, but my last piano teacher, John Thwaites, was on TV! haha, haven't seen him since I graduated.

My sinuses have bled every day for weeks now, starting to really do my head in, literally, as it's sore!

old style post

I used to post lyrics onto my journal, years ago, if I felt they meant something. This song makes me quite emotional most of the time...some songs just do that...there's just something about it. I guess it's the fact that people just don't know what's under the mask we're all so good at wearing.

Fiona Apple - Never is a Promise

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, but You don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you

You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

me

It's weird thinking about me...thinking about the things I do that make people say I'm weird or crazy.

Things like eating on alternate sides of my mouth so that the food is spread evenly, resulting in my teeth all being used, and dirtied, evenly, and how it takes over when I eat things like sandwiches, crisps, sweets etc. Meals that are eaten with a knife and fork don't seem to bother me so much, but if I use my hands it freaks me out lol. Oh, and I like to do it in even numbers, odd numbers are...bleugh, so I start on the right, finish on the left. Lovely...my left side is my weaker side (I'm right handed/footed) so I finish on that side so that my left side feels wanted...seriously, why has it taken me this long to realise that I'm a mentalist?

I count my steps in 4s if I'm walking on my own. I freak out if I make a mistake in my shower routine. I have little patterns that I make with my fingers and if I see a registration plate that I "like" I will imagine writing it in joined up lettering, over and over and over, until somebody takes me mind off it for long enough. I do it mostly when I'm driving.

I'm gonna be 23 in May...euch.

Ah, the life of a mentalist lol...reading that back, I sound like a total fruit.

I'm not gonna even bother writing the other things I do and think about.

Sometimes I forget this is for me to vent, and I'm kinda glad I wrote that all down...not that I'm gonna stop doing any of those things, the thought of it freaks me out, but for some reason it feels...actually scary, cause I know people read this...I'm off now before I delete this whole entry

the weekend

My weekend has been far from exciting. Nightshift at Daldorch on Friday, nightshift at Moorpark Saturday and Sunday. The weather has been lovely, and I had to sleep through most of it! Anyway, I managed to get an hour or so in the sun on Saturday at mum and dads with a cup of tea and a tunnocks caramel wafer (yum!) and today I woke up at 2 cause the river was loud through the open window and there were loads of kids at the park across the river.

At work now...finish at 8am. It's absolutely roasting, wish I'd kept my shorts on :( I burnt myself with boiling water while making a pot noodle for the client I'm supporting tonight...haha, what a dafty. He called me a stupid f*ck cause I didn't know where they were kept, which tickled me somewhat, cause he had a point.

The left side of my sinuses was really blocked while using the neb today, it felt really horrible to use, so much pressure and lots and lots of snot...haha, lovely.

I'm going to mum and dads for dinner tomorrow. We're having chilli :)

I think I'm gonna start carrying my camera with me more often, I really like photos.

Booked our holiday for the 14th August. A week away at a house with no electricity could be interesting. I'm gonna need to get an adaptor for the cars cigarette lighter so I can use my neb, cause I really don't fancy a week without it. The guy has been really good, letting us wait a bit later to pay the balance incase I'm not well enough to go. Even if I'm not, I'll damn sure be going!! I only get 1 week a year, I'm gonna be taking it lol.

Anyway, enough rambling about nothing. Can you tell I'm in this house alone?

some pics from my Thursday

Thought I'd share my exciting Thursday lol. I got bored waiting for the kleanprep to work, took ages this time and my poor tummy looked like I was at least 5 months pregnant haha. Also, a little token pic of me n Lynz out in Glasgow :) Should really have put the flash on but nevermind!



kleanprep jugs



the jug of water is wearing a cup hat :)



my "pregnant" belly



my cheap London shoes



Drew Barrymore



Me and Lynsay in Europa :) I actually made it out, woop!!

a short letter

Dear thrush,

Why won't you leave me alone?


Ruth.